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Summary: Great leaders demonstrate four elements to inspire action: They are confident, connected to others, committed to purpose, and emotionally courageous. Most of us are great at only one of the four. Maybe two. But in order to have a strong presence, you have to excel at it All four at once. If you are confident but detached from others, it will be all about you and you will alienate the people around you. If you are attached to others but lack confidence in yourself, you will betray your own needs and views in order to please everyone. If you are not committed to a purpose greater than yourself and others, you will flounder and lose the respect of those around you when you act aimlessly. If you fail to act strongly, decisively, and boldly – and with emotional courage – your thoughts will remain idle thoughts and your goals will remain unfulfilled fantasies.
Brad was leading a difficult transformation at his company, and decided to fire his head of sales, who was a nice guy but wasn’t performing well.
Three months later, he still hasn’t fired him.
I asked him why. His answer? “I’m a coward!”
Brad (not his real name – I’ve changed some details to protect people’s privacy) is the CEO of a financial services company and he’s definitely not a wimp. He’s a normal human being, just like you and me. He struggles to follow through on an important strategic decision. Like we do sometimes, you and I.
No matter your age, role, position, title, profession, or status, to accomplish your most important work, you must have difficult conversations, create accountability, and inspire action.
In order to do this, you have to appear strong and attractive in a way that attracts people to trust you, follow you, and commit to devoting 100% of their effort to a greater goal, something bigger than all of you. You need to care about others and connect with them in a way that makes them feel you care. You need to speak persuasively—in a way that is clear, direct, honest, and reflects your interest—while listening with openness, empathy, and love. Even when challenged.
Of course, you need to follow up quickly and effectively.
In 25 years of working with leaders to do all of the above, I’ve found a pattern that I share in my new book, Lead with emotional courageIt consists of four basic elements that all great leaders rely on to mobilize people to accomplish what is important to them. To drive effectively – really, to He lives Effectively – You must be confident, connected to others, committed to the goal, and emotionally courageous.
Most of us are great at only one of the four. Maybe two. But to have a strong presence – and to inspire action – you need to excel at it All four at once.
If you are confident but detached from others, it will be all about you and you will alienate the people around you. If you are attached to others but lack confidence in yourself, you will betray your own needs and views in order to please everyone. If you are not committed to a purpose, or to something bigger than yourself and others, you will flounder, losing the respect of those around you when you act aimlessly, and fail to make an impact on what is most important. If you fail to act strongly, decisively, and boldly – and with emotional courage – your thoughts will remain idle thoughts and your goals will remain unfulfilled fantasies.
Let’s apply this to Brad and pinpoint exactly where and how he was stuck.
Confident in yourself. Brad struggled with this element, which may seem surprising since he has been so successful in his career. But this is not uncommon. He worked incredibly hard, but it was because of a certain degree of insecurity – he wanted to prove himself and please those around him. He became nervous in the face of potential failure and was not kind or compassionate to himself when he failed. He had important strengths in this element: he saw the person he wanted to become and worked toward that future, setting distractions aside and investing his energy wisely and strategically.
Connected to others. This was Brad’s greatest strength. He was likable and always took great care of his team. People clearly knew and felt that he trusted them, even when he disagreed with them. They appreciated his curiosity – about people and problems – and were grateful that he did not come to quick conclusions about them. However, even in this element, he had room to grow: he was not always direct with people and tended to stonewall difficult conversations.
Committed to purpose. This was a mixed bag for Brad. On the one hand, Brad was clear about what needed to be done to grow the company, involved employees in the early stages of the business, and was open and willing to ask for help. On the other hand, it was somewhat sparse. He wasn’t clear enough about the small number of things that would get things moving, and he didn’t have a reliable process to stay focused on the things that matter most, and ensure accountability and follow-through. Not firing his head of sales sent a mixed message to his team – was he really serious about the company’s success?
Emotionally brave. Brad had room to grow here, and it turned out to be an important element for growing his strength in the other three elements. Risk, by definition, makes us feel vulnerable, and Brad avoided that feeling. He resisted the unknown and deliberately avoided uncomfortable situations. This made it difficult for him to tell people difficult truths and make difficult decisions quickly, which stunted his actions.
Therefore, Brad’s strongest element was “connection to others,” followed by “commitment to purpose.” He was weaker in “self-confidence” and “emotional courage.”
Which puts his challenge into perspective: His relationship with the head of sales was at war with his commitment to the success of his team and his company. At the same time, his self-confidence and emotional courage were not strong enough to break the tie. This is a recipe for inaction and painful frustration.
Just knowing what was happening helped him immediately. We spent some time building his emotional courage by taking small risks while Feeling the feelings he was trying to push away. And every time he followed through, regardless of whether he succeeded, he clearly survived and also felt the accomplishment of tackling the same danger. Which, of course, boosted his confidence. Which helped him take greater risks.
In a short time, he felt ready (although he probably never felt “ready”) to pursue what he knew he needed to do for the past three months. With his natural care, compassion and humanity, he fired the head of sales (who, by the way, unsurprisingly, knew it was coming and said he felt “relieved”).
Brad was extremely uncomfortable entering into the conversation – that’s the feeling you always have when you do anything that requires emotional courage.
But using emotional courage builds your emotional courage. Brad came out of the conversation stronger on all four elements: He was more confident in himself, more connected to his team (and even, believe it or not, his head of sales), more committed to purpose, and more emotionally courageous.
credit: Peter Bregman